Weight Struggles

Hey there bloggy friends! I interrupt the craft ideas and recipes for a real struggle. I'm so tired of being FAT! I want to be healthy and really LIVE life but it's not easy. I figure if I share it with the blog world, I will feel more accountable. So, here's my story...

Obviously, I've been overweight since I was a baby. My mom, God bless her, thought she knew best...even when the doctors told her not to feed me so much.
As I got older, I was always heavier than most of my peers. I am the youngest of 5 and we always had sweets in the house. My mom would go to the Oroweat bakery and buy Ding Dongs and Twinkies. We would get donuts from the Helm's man. Everyone else got to eat their fill but I could only have one of whatever sweet it was. This created in me the desire for more. Sometimes I would get up in the middle of the night and sneak in an extra Ding Dong or Twinkie.
In high school, I was on the dance team and I was the heaviest girl.
When I got married, I weighed 190 lbs. That was about 50-60 lbs more than my "ideal" weight. I quickly gained about 10-20 lbs because NOW I could buy my own sweets and there was no one to watch how much I ate.
After I had kids, the weight just piled on. In the picture below, I was probably at my heaviest...295!
In 2006, I found out that I had diabetes. Something in me sparked and I changed my eating habits completely. I cut out all candies and sweets. My only desserts were various fruits. I quickly lost 65 lbs. The most I had ever lost! And believe me, I did every diet there was...Weight Watchers (multiple times), NutriSystem, Diet Center, Lindora, Jenny Craig...you name it, I tried it. And this time, I did it on my own...with God's help. :)

I kept the weight off for almost two years. Then, in 2008, I found out my youngest son had cancer. During the months of chemo, he lost weight and I gained. He was sick for 10 months and during that time, I gained about 20 lbs. Here is a pic of us a few days before he died.

After he died, I gave up caring. I ate whatever I felt like, as much as I felt like. If I went to the market when I was particularly sad, I bought junk...cookies, chips...whatever would drown my sorrows. I continued to eat crap and gained back another 35 lbs. I probably would have just gone to bed and covered my head and slept my life away if not for my other son. He gave me a reason to get up in the morning...even if I did stay in my pj's all day.

Within this time, my doctor wanted to put me on diabetes medicine and I kept fighting him on it. "I'll work at it and lose weight" I would tell him. Finally, one day I went in and told him, "Just give me the stupid medicines. I give up...I can't do this anymore." So, I've been taking them for about a year and a half but still eating junk. One day, I would be "good" and then eat whatever for the next two weeks. I've been on this cycle for quite some time.

In January of this year, I felt the fog of depression lifting a little. I still miss my son, but I can do things I once enjoyed. I feel like I can see daylight again. Still, I tried half-heartedly to lose weight. This past June, I got the word that if I didn't clean up my act and get my glucose level under control, I would be put on Insulin. Ugh! Shots. More finger sticks to check my blood sugar. I had until this month and guess what? I did it! I got my sugar under control and I don't have to go on Insulin. I still haven't lost any weight though. It's so much harder at 42 than it was at 37.

This is me now. I'm tired of looking like this and having to shop at "fat" stores. Lane Bryant and Avenue have lots of cute things but most of them don't flatter my body type.

So, I considered the gastric bypass for months and really thought I was going to do it. I went to two seminars for information and didn't have a peace about it. Two weeks ago, I decided that the surgery wasn't for me.

Now what do I do? I'm thinking about joining Weight Watchers again. I can't really afford it, but I can't afford all these health issues either. My body is paying the price for my stupidity.

So, there it is...the ugly truth. I'll post weekly (along with crafts and any new recipes) to update you on my progress...or lack of it. Hopefully, this will keep me on the right track. :)